Road To Nowhere

My mate went to the Ricky Hatton fight in Bolton.

She did say it was a dear do.

But she was sat right near the front. Behind Mike Tyson. Ooh and Guy Richie was there *but not Madonna, I asked*.

Guess how dear a do...?

Well she was entertained from 5pm till almost midnight she said. And it was dead exciting.

But go on, guess how much?

Five hundred notes! Yup. Five hundred squids.

I tell you, I thought having a fiver riding on a Lucky 15 was naughty spending.

I live and learn... I live and learn.

...best eaten with lots of ice cream.

Ok, not exactly right but - yummy!

Our work's photographer has a withering sense of humour. You know the type - it's funny but it stomps along a line that borders downright cruel and crosses it frequently. Yesterday he quips about a fellow member of staff's relationship and how her boyfriend had left her. Now I've got broad shoulders, a quick mind and a sharp tongue. I don't mind a bit of banter. I'm prefectly capable of giving as good as I get.

But she was completely tongue-tied and I could tell she was smiling through gritted teeth. And we've all been done-over in relationships, it's not a fair-game subject is it. 'Don't worry,' I said as she looked at me with a smiling face that masked a well-wounded bunny. 'I'll get him for you.'

So I mither him into giving me a lift to the station.

The weather's perked up, it's acutally quite sunny, but i't been a 10-hour day and I'm feeling lazy.

He dumps me in the second lane of a dual carriageway while the lights are on red. Not exactly dangerous, but still annoying when he could have pulled into a parking area if he wanted to. I weave through the traffic to walk up to the traffic lights.

'Are you not going to leap the barrier?' he shouts at me through his open window as I walk along the central reservation, carring two bags and a huge camera case.

So I turn round and I yell at the top of my voice: 'You filthy pervert. I told you I don't want any sweeties and I don't want to see any puppies, now leave me alone.'

As I turned to flounce off as best I could, given weight of baggage, I caught sight of at least half a dozen heads turning to stare at him.

Ha, ha!