I love Eurovision. Always have.

All those silly songs. All that cheering and colour and prancing about. Sir Terry making witty comments from his position on the moral high ground. The terrible intro people. The green room ramblings. The fake tan.

Last night's was a triumph.

The intro people wouldn't stop shouting and making fabulously over-the-top observations 'This is the most important night in the history of Europe'... 'the whole world is watching and waiting'... 'every wholesome, good-looking teenager rammed into this square, smiling like their lives depended on it, could be yours for £25 if you came here on you holidays...' *all right, I'm reading the subtext*

Best song of the night was, undoubtably Sebastien Tellier from France with an uber-cool song called Divine. It's a bit loungey, a bit Airy, ridiculously catchy.

Greece did well, with Kalomira and my Secret Combination which was some strange hybrid of Britney moves spliced with Genie in a Bottle. The lyrics suggest her secret combination is how to get into her knickers. Nice. Seemed to tickle the fancy of Europe though - it was in the lead before I fell asleep during the voting.

Nope, Russia won. With Believe. It was ok. It had the novelty value of an hysterical violinist and an ice skater with the biggest konk I've seen for a very long time.

But this is not a contest about what you sing. It's about who you know. And the Russians know the Bulkans and they're the new kids on the block and clearly they vote for each other. Why not? Everyone else does.

Our song? By some bloke called Andy Abraham. Good performance; solid, dull, unmemorable. Didn't deserve to come last - but we did.

If anything Eurovision today is a popularity contest. And in case we were wondering, with the people of the new Europe - which bears no resemblance to the one you'll recall from your geography days, unless you're 12 - we are about as popular as a burning orphanage. We are that pork chop at the Jewish wedding. Turkey did well. Israel did ok. Need I say any more?

Post-Iraq air space furore we clearly can't even rely on the French to vote for us. We are the Billy-no-mates of Europe. *Sigh...*